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The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead

Release Date: 2003-09-16

Sales rank: 625

The Zombie Survival Guide is your key to survival against the hordes of undead who may be stalking you right now. Fully illustrated and exhaustively comprehensive, this book covers everything you need to know, including how to understand zombie physiology and behavior, the most effective defense tactics and weaponry, ways to outfit your home for a long siege, and how to survive and adapt in any territory or terrain.

Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack

1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

Don’t be carefree and foolish with your most precious asset—life. This book is your key to survival against the hordes of undead who may be stalking you right now without your even knowing it. The Zombie Survival Guide offers complete protection through trusted, proven tips for safeguarding yourself and your loved ones against the living dead. It is a book that can save your life.

I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething

Release Date: 2008-05-13

Sales rank: 6030

I bought a new wrinkle cream.
If you use it once a day, you look younger in a month.
Twice a day, you look younger in two weeks.
I ate it.

As the years go by, and the decades begin to pile up, people will do just about anything to reverse the signs of aging: LASIK surgery, industrial-strength hair dye, seven consecutive forty-ninth birthday parties. Rita Rudner is no exception. When she turned fifty, she couldn’t even bear to say the word.

In I Still Have It . . . I Just Can’t Remember Where I Put It, Rudner writes with humor and candor about all of the small indignities and everyday absurdities that have become standard fare. From the perils of catalog-ordering addiction to the challenges of keeping up with the latest in electronics, lingerie, and reality television to the joys and worries of being an older mother to the long search for the perfect retirement house, Rita covers it all.

So put on your bifocals and power up your sense of humor! Just don’t blame Rita when your laugh lines get visibly deeper. Refreshingly honest and undeniably hilarious, I Still Have It . . . I Just Can’t Remember Where I Put It is a laugh-out-loud look at the wonders and the surprises of life on the dark side of fifty.

The Official Filthy Rich Handbook

Sales rank: 1190

How the Other .0001% Live

It's looking like another banner year for America's moneyed over-class, the lucky .0001 percent sitting on $30 million-plus in liquid assets.

But sadly, most of the newcomers joining their ranks are simply not prepared to make the decisions that come with having it all. Unsure about everything—butler or majordomo? St. Tropez or St. Thomas?—they will blow their hard-earned billions on tacky houses, outrageous wardrobes, and outré diversions of various stripes. Because, while there are countless ways to make a fortune these days, there's still only one way to be Filthy Rich.

Fortunately, in the spirit of The Official Preppy Handbook—the 1.3-million-copy bestseller that taught all of us how to be WASPily top drawer—help has arrived. A dead-on, deadpan guide to living large in the land of plenty, The Official Filthy Rich Handbook yanks the monogrammed pashmina off a world few mortals ever get to see. Packed with insight and savvy, it brings this rarified universe to scandalous new life, feeding our endless fascination with the tastefully loaded, while offering practical instructions for those who dream of joining them.

In it, you'll learn not only where to live and what to wear, but about the things that really matter. How to hire a household staff. The right cosmetic surgery procedures for you...and your children. The proper way to name your houses. The sacred role of privet hedges. Why the Filthy Rich swim naked. The down-and-dirty on your fellow plutocrats (The Nerdling, The Raider, and the Grande Dame, to name a few). The moochers and scoundrels to know and avoid. How to buy a gigayacht. The right spots to party in Sardinia, Aspen, Nantucket, and St. Barts. The world's hottest tax havens. The four interior decorators worth waiting for. The Filthy Richest rehabs. Boarding schools of the rich and feckless. Why it's so hard to break into the art market and how to sound smart about Richard Serra. And much, much more. The rich "are different from you and me," F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote. Wait until you see the Filthy Rich.

Me Write Book: It Bigfoot Memoir

Sales rank: 30623

Like many reclusive celebrities, Big Foot is misunderstood. In his touching memoir Me Write Book he wants to set the record straight, proving that although hes larger, hairier, and more foul-smelling than most of us, hes really not so different underneath.

Only the most coldhearted among us could look on without compassion as this hirsute Everyman struggles bravely with casual cannibalism, Pringles potato crisps, embarrassing moments with peach Schnapps, the desperate loneliness of personal ads, and philosophical quandaries.

Readers will never forget the plaintive voice from the wilderness that howls from every page of this searing, intimate account of a man-beast in the promised land.

Bigfoot: I Not Dead

Sales rank: 19037

In his eagerly anticipated follow-up to Me Write Book, Bigfoot returns from exile to share his inspiring, hilarious, and often deeply disturbing experiences as a misunderstood forest gentleman and tragic media darling. These entertaining and often grizzly stories stand not only as a testament to the greatness of the legendary man-beast, but also as a chilling cautionary tale of the downside of a life of celebrity, cannibalism, celebrity cannibalism, wanton violence, and lack of toilet training. As in Me Write Book, full-color glossy spreads depict every intimate, disgusting, and downright insane moment of Bigfoots life. Bigfoot: I Not Dead is an unforgettable memoir that will stay with readers long after his foul scent has dissipated.

The Monster Hunter's Handbook: The Ultimate Guide to Saving Mankind from Vampires, Zombies, Hellhounds, and Other Mythical Beasts

Release Date: 2007-08-21

Sales rank: 29241

A fascinating, eye-popping, and one-of-a-kind handbook of the monsters that have beset mankind for millennia, and the fabulous weapons with which to battle them.

In this incomparable and fully illustrated compendium, classicist Ibrahim Amin reintroduces the ancient art of monster hunting to a whole new generation of intrepid warriors. From a hellhound’s three-headed assault to a brain-eating zombie attack, The Monster Hunter’s Handbook instructs readers in the background of each creature and the dangers each present. It also includes an impressive catalog of the premodern world’s most powerful armament. Illustrated by Richard Horne, the creator of the wildly successful 101 Things to Do Before You Die, this trusty book details everything a new generation of valiant monster hunters needs to know to vanquish antiquity’s biggest—and baddest—beasts.

How To Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion

Release Date: 2005-10-13

Sales rank: 11488

An inspired and hilarious look at how humans can defeat the inevitable robot rebellion—as revealed by a robotics expert.

How do you spot a robot mimicking a human? How do you recognize and then deactivate a rebel servant robot? How do you escape a murderous “smart” house, or evade a swarm of marauding robotic flies? In this dryly hilarious survival guide, roboticist Daniel H. Wilson teaches worried humans the keys to quashing a robot mutiny.

From treating laser wounds to fooling face and speech recognition, besting robot logic to engaging in hand-to-pincer combat, How to Survive a Robot Uprising covers every possible doomsday scenario facing the newest endangered species: humans. And with its thorough overview of current robot prototypes—including giant walkers, insect, gecko, and snake robots—How to Survive a Robot Uprising is also a witty yet legitimate introduction to contemporary robotics. Full of cool illustrations, and referencing some of the most famous robots in pop-culture, How to Survive a Robot Uprising is a one-of-a-kind book that is sure to be a hit with all ages.

The Complete A**hole's Guide to Handling Chicks

Sales rank: 3943

Congratulations, man! By picking up The Complete A**hole’s Guide to Handling Chicks, you are just pages away from finally understanding:

- How a five-dollar date can get you laid
- How to stop being friends with girls and start getting them in the sack
- Where you’ll have the best odds of finding a one-night stand, and how to get rid of the chick the next morning
- How to trick a woman into thinking you’re classy, even if you have holes in your underwear
- Why fat chicks always try to keep you from banging their hot friends, and how to finally stop these evil creatures
- How to stop your wife from nagging you into an early grave
- Why it’s possible to watch six hours of football, put the moves on your neighbor’s hot daughter, and leave the toilet seat up in the same day
- And much more

The Complete A**hole’s Guide isn’t like all the other candy-ass relationship books on the market; it doesn’t cover issues like romance, love, and finding Miss Right. So, if that’s what you’re looking for, there are plenty of other books you can hide under your skirt as you skip out of the store. This book is about controlling the women in your life, and never having to say you’re sorry . . . EVER AGAIN!

We’ll take you from the day you’re born to the day you die and show you how women can be manipulated, frustrated, and ultimately dominated throughout the course of a man’s life. By illustrating the insanity of the female mind, we’ll show you why the flawed chick psyche causes them to continuously fall for the a**hole, no matter how many times they get burned.

If you’re not interested, that’s fine. We’re sure there are ballet classes you need to attend before your wine and cheese party. However, if you are ready, then grab a six-pack, order a pizza, and get your hand out of your pants because you’re about to read the most perverse, sadistic, and hysterical relationship book ever written. Enjoy!

What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding: A Reassuring Month-by-Month Guide for the Father-to-Be, Whether He Wants Advice or Not

Sales rank: 9061

Complete with weird baby names, tips on how to avoid a sympathetic pregnancy, and a discourse on the evolution of ESPN and the role it plays postdelivery, Hill's tome has been thoroughly revised to account for not only the usual father-to-be questions but also the often baffling and amusing technological and medical advances awaiting today's four million expectant dads.

This hilarious month-by-month guide offers new and veteran dads solace, laughter, and a bit of useful information, including a question-and-answer chapter covering basics like "How much does having a baby cost?"; visual charts assessing such things as the breakdown behind the mom-to-be's weight gain; sidebars covering common wife complaints and anticipated purchases; and much more.

Our Dumb World: The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth, 73rd Edition

Release Date: 2007-10-30

Sales rank: 941

Our Dumb World: The Onion's Atlas of The Planet Earth, 73rd Edition features incorrect statistics on all of the Earth's 168, 182, or 196 independent nations. It also features maps, including a fold-out world map at actual size. Readers will learn about every country from Afghanistan, "Allah's Cat Box," to the Ukraine, "The Bridebasket of Europe."
Today's news-parody consumer cannot possibly understand made-up current events without the context of fake world history and geography. That is why The Onion is publishing a world atlas: to help us.
Our Dumb World is an invaluable tool for any reader interested in overthrowing a weakened government in East Asia, exploiting a developing nation in Africa, or for directions to tonight's party at Erica's. It is a reference guide to 250,000 of the world's most important places, such as North Korea's Trench of Victory, the Great Human Pyramid of Egypt, and Saudi Arabia's superhighway, the Mohammedobahn.

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