Not even new airport signs can give hope to the hopeless

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http://www.twincities.com/localnews/ci_12888378?nclick_check=1

Joe Soucheray: Not even new airport signs can give hope to the hopeless
By Joe Soucheray
Updated: 07/22/2009 12:29:30 AM CDT

The Metropolitan Airports Commission, which voted Monday to change the
Lindbergh and Humphrey terminals' highway signs to Terminal 1 and 2,
still doesn't understand the problem they are trying to solve. As the
controversy played out over the summer, we could only conclude that
the problem features about 30,000 passengers a year who go to the
wrong terminal and miss their flight, or less than two-tenths of 1
percent of the 16 million people a year who fly out of Minneapolis-St.
Paul International Airport.

In other words, to accommodate 30,000 or so people who might very well
resist all efforts to guide them, we are going to spend $2.2 million
for new signs that, in addition to calling the terminals 1 and 2, will
also list the airlines flying out of each terminal. That's a lot of
money. It will have to be forked over by the airlines and the
retailers who fund the airport, which means that every time you buy a
tube of toothpaste or a magazine, you are helping ease the burdens of
our fellow travelers who wear mismatched socks and are often seen
walking up the down escalators.

You know the type. This is practically a new Budweiser commercial
writing itself. "These new signs are for you, Mr. and Mrs. 'I drove
the wrong way down a one-way street to get to the wrong terminal...' "

Every single one of us has boarded an airplane only to look at a
passenger two rows ahead on the aisle seat and wonder about the
fellow, or the woman, "How did they even get this far?''

That's why 1 and 2 are not the answer. If it is confusion the MAC is
trying to remedy, 1 and 2 will be no different than Lindbergh and
Humphrey. The designations 1 and 2 retain too much convention. You've
got to think outside the box, as they say in all those corporate
brainstorming sessions that lead to things like new highway signs.

Let's look at this logically. The people who go to the wrong terminal
are thinking big-picture. They have ticket. Fly on big plane. That's
it. If you pressed them, they would say that they came in at what
appeared to be the main terminal or not the main terminal. That's the
way people talk. They don't snap off "Lindbergh" or "Humphrey" with
clarity and precision. And they won't snap off "1" and "2" with
efficiency. But as their neurons crackle and pop, they can come up
with "main" and "not the main."

There are your new signs.

The Main One. (And list the airlines.)

Not the Main One. (And list the airlines.)

You cannot alleviate hopeless confusion without using words that might
at least give the hopelessly confused a fighting chance.

When the family reunion is at last over and Uncle Ed has to be taken
to the airport, he will faithfully say, "Take me to the Main One.''
Or, screwing up his face in deep thought, he will say, "I'm in that
one that is Not the Main One.''

Problem solved.

"Lindbergh" and "Humphrey," "1" and "2," and "Main One" and "Not the
Main One" might live on in our lexicon as adjectives for acuity, in
job interviews, personal ads, dating services. I suppose being called
a 1 and 2 might place somebody on the bubble. They could go either
way.

"What do you think of the new hire, Frank?''

"I think we got ourselves a real Lindbergh and Humphrey.''

Or: "Non-smoker, 40-something, seeks soulmate for moonlit walks, jazz
music, camping and bocce-ball tournaments. Will consider 1 and 2 but
prefer Lindbergh and Humphrey.''

"Mom, right now he is a 1 and 2, but I know that he can become
Lindbergh and Humphrey.''

Or: "I had to dump him. He fell in with the Main One and Not the Main Ones.''

"Oh, that's a shame.''

"Had to be done. He missed four of his last five flights.''

Joe Soucheray can be reached at jsoucheray@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx or
651-228-5474. Soucheray is heard from 2 to 5:30 p.m. weekdays on
KSTP-AM 1500.

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